Monday, June 22, 2015

A Notice

I don't use this blog anymore. Don't worry, though. I still write. All of my future posts can be read at:


Tuesday, June 18, 2013

I Applied for a Beauty Job at Sears

Below is my note to Sears, where I applied for the position of "Cosmetics - Retail Sales (Beauty Advisor) for Elizabeth Arden." Just try and imagine me in that position for a few seconds without laughing your ass off.

- - - - - - -

Appearance-wise, I'm really just an average guy, and apart from getting expensive plastic surgery that I can't afford, there's nothing I can do about it.

But my average looks are just one reason why you should hire me. Average is average; average is common, and average will appeal to the highest number of people. Because, let's face it (no pun intended) most people are average looking- that's why it's the average.

Where I'm not average is my salesmanship, energy, enthusiasm, and creativity. If you hire me for this job, not only will I use my extremely good interpersonal skills to the fullest effect, but I will never stop trying to improve and learn. I have a strong desire to amass knowledge and experience, and an ambition to do well at everything I set my mind to- and believe me, I've set my mind to this.

Hire me, and I won't disappoint.

My resume is attached. Please call or e-mail me with any questions (or if you would like to schedule an interview!)

Thanks for reading,

- - - - - - -

Why do I not have a job again?

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Donald P. GhostMaster vs. McMaster Accepted Class of 2017

Some friends and I run a joke Facebook account called Donald P. GhostMaster. Originally, he was called Donald P. ChodeMaster, but then the account got deleted, so we made a new one with the surname "GhostMaster." Eventually, I'll write a whole post about the history of the original account (it's hilarious) but for the purposes of this piece you don't need to know anything more... other than that we use the GhostMaster account for hilarious trolling, such as below.

The group Donald infiltrated is, as per the title of this post, the McMaster Accepted Class of 2017. This is where new students to the university come and introduce themselves, old ones offer help and guidance, bla bla bla. I did none of that, and instead used Donald's account to wreak some havok.

I started by posting a bio for him...


Next I posted on some other people's bios...



The account was then banned... along with Raj's.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Summer's Almost Here, So Here Are Some Leftover Trolls

Hey everyone. Sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything new, but unfortunately I have (somewhat) of a life aside from this blog, and it's taken precedence over the last month. Yes, part 2 of Trolling: UMentioned Mac will be up soon (finally), as well a bunch of other hilarious stuff I'll have the time to write about now that university is winding down.

Here are some assorted trolls, by yours truly, to tide you over until I post about those things aforementioned. They aren't as gut-bustingly hilarious as my usual fare, but that's why they're leftovers. And better than nothing, right? RIGHT?!

- - - - - - - - - - - - 

The Yates Cup is some big tournament at McMaster that everyone goes apeshit for. I posted in the Class of 2016 group that I was selling a ticket to it... the day after it happened. This was the result...

Remember Formspring? Also, remember how everyone used to incessantly advertise theirs over Facebook? One of my friends did just that, and I used the opportunity to rant at him and get some irritation off my chest...

Back to McMaster now: someone posted on the Facebook page looking for an easy elective, so I suggested something I thought he might enjoy. Hilarity ensued.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Grandma and Her Pipe (Short Story)

I originally wrote this for a Writer's Craft class exercise. Basically, we had twenty minutes to write a story, and every two minutes or so the teacher would put a word/phrase on the board and we'd have to include it at whatever point we were at (the highlighted sections below represent those words). I think it turned out pretty well, and after a little bit of editing, here it is:


"It was a long, cold, winter's night, and all through the house not a creature was stirring— not even a mouse," said the narrator on TV slowly. As he spoke, images of a dark mansion swooshed on to the screen, followed by shots of small children sleeping in their beds. Christmas spirit was truly in the air... just like the smoke from Artie's Grandmother's pipe.

"I never understood why they play this crap," she said, stroking her substantial belly. "I mean, it's impossible that the human race could have sunk this low. Why, back in my day we had Christmas turkeys you could buy for a dollar at Gimble's. They tasted like a fine cognac had been melted all over the top of them. And that smell! Oh, that smell! Like a freshly born baby, I tell ya! And what's more, a... h... hugh..."

"Grandma, don't get worked up," said Artie, turning around to see his Grandmother clutching her chest, pipe now the floor.

"Dang heart," she spluttered. She reached down to grab her pipe, making an odd noise like a stalled windmill as she did so, and her false teeth fell to the floor with a bang.

"Fore da lov of Pete!" she mumbled incoherently, a long thread of drool stretching from her mouth. "Ge' ma teef boay!"

"I'd rather take a bullet right n-"


Artie gagged, reached down to the floor, and grabbed the wet, gummy teeth. Wincing, he handed them to his Grandmother, who snatched them out his hand and hurriedly stuffed them back into her mouth.

"Gosh darn things," she said. "Why, back in my day w-"

She was interrupted by a jittery sound of some sort.

"What in blazes... is that the telephone? Arthur, go get it."

"I don't think that's the telephone, Grandma."

"I know a telephone when I hear one, boy. Go ge-"

Suddenly, the entire left wall of their house was ripped off. An enormous sucking sound, like a giant plunger, and it was gone. The cold air from outside funnelled in through the opening, and standing out in the snowy garden were two small, green aliens. Their heads were the size of grape tomatoes, while their bodies couldn't have been more than three feet high.

"We come in peace," they squealed.

Artie stood motionless, mouth ajar.

"Are ya gonna get the phone or not? What's with this silence, Arthur?" Grandma shouted.

Artie pointed at the green aliens, chalk white in the face. Grandma adjusted her glasses slowly and squinted.

"Are those roaches back again? Always been a problem in this house. These look like some biggums too."

She reached behind the couch, grabbed a shotgun, and pumped the two aliens full of lead. It all happened so fast that Artie had no time to react. He felt like he was going to pass out. It had to be a dream that he would wake up from any second...

"Little chilly in here, ain't it?" Grandma said, reaching for her pipe which still lay, forgotten by Artie, on the floor.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

What are your Favourite _______?

Sometimes I get asked, "What is your favourite _______?" (Colour, song, sex position, etc.) I decided to write this post as a way to address some variations of that question, and also because I enjoy writing about stuff I love just as much as about stuff I hate (well, okay, ALMOST as much).

Keep in mind that these lists are not set in stone. My "favourites" are constantly changing along with my tastes, and I'm always searching for new stuff I think will be awesome. Also, the items in these categories are not ranked, but listed in alphabetical order.

(What follows is a pretty narcissistic post. But yeah, it's my blog, so STFU.)


Brand New - The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me - iTunes
Devin Townsend - Ocean Machine: Biomech - iTunes
Edge of Sanity - Crimson - iTunes
Faith No More - Angel Dust - iTunes
Godspeed You! Black Emperor - Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven - iTunes
Miles Davis - Kind of Blue - iTunes
Mr. Bungle - California - iTunes
Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea - iTunes
Opeth - Still Life - iTunes
Porcupine Tree - Fear of a Blank Planet - iTunes
Strapping Young Lad - City - iTunes
Ulver - Bergtatt - iTunes

Honourable Mentions: Buckethead - The Elephant Man's Alarm Clock (iTunes), Godflesh - Streetcleaner (iTunes), Isis - Oceanic (iTunes), Swans - The Seer (iTunes)

Books (Novels/Plays)

The Boy Next Door by Enid Blyton
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
Generals Die in Bed by Charles Yale Harrison 
The Eyes of the Dragon by Stephen King  
Animal Farm by George Orwell  
Harry Potter (the whole series) by J.K. Rowling
Hamlet by William Shakespeare

Honourable Mentions: Artemis Fowl (what I've read of the series) by Eoin Colfer, The Giver by Lois Lowry, To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee


Anything Alcoholic
Camomile Tea (when I'm sick)
Club Soda
Dr. Pepper
Egg Nog
Milk (Chocolate and White, 1%)
Pineapple Juice

Honourable Mentions: Orange Dreamsicle Shake from Johnny Rockets, Sprite, Tonic Water


Big Mac from McDonald's
Cherry Pie
Eggs Benedict
Green Grapes (Seedless)
Imperial Cheese 
Mashed Potatoes
Olives (Green & Kalamata especially, but I love all types)
The Original Burger from Johnny Rockets
Pot Roast
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
Spinach & Rice

Honourable Mentions: Kraft Dinner, Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream (or Frozen Yogurt), Onion Rings, Pasta Salad, Quesadillas

TV Shows

The Adventures of Superman
American Idol (guilty pleasure)
Dragon's Den
The Green Hornet 
Iron Chef America
Kitchen Nightmares
Man V. Food
Robot Wars
The Simpsons
Spider-Man (1960's animated version)
Star Trek (all five series')
The Twilight Zone
Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea
Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Honourable Mentions: The Biggest Loser, Deadliest Warrior, Futurama, Hell's Kitchen, Hotel Hell, Jeopardy!, MasterChef, Yu-Gi-Oh!

Video Games

Burnout Revenge (PS2)
Freedom Fighters (PS2)
Guitar Hero II (X360)
Katamari Damacy (PS2)
Half-Life (PC/PS2) 
Mario Kart: Double Dash (GC)
Red Faction (PS2) 
Rock Band III (X360)
SSX Tricky (PS2)
Star Trek: Starfleet Command - Volume II: Empires at War (PC)
Super Mario 64 (N64)
Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (PS3) 
Team Fortress II (PC)
Tony Hawk's Underground (PS2)
Tony Hawk's Underground 2 (PS2)

Honourable Mentions: Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction (PS2), The Simpsons: Hit & Run (PS2), 007: Nightfire (PS2)

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

#BellLetsTalk: Twitter Rampage

I don't use Twitter all that often, but when I heard about Bell's "Let's Talk" campaign, I figured I should start, at least for one day. For every tweet/text sent with a #BellLetsTalk hashtag on February 12th, the company donated 5 cents to Mental Health Awareness campaigns. In total they ended up raising around four million dollars, and I am probably responsible for about $3.2 million of that. Okay, not really, but I Tweeted WAY more than I normally do, and hashtagged all of them with #BellLetsTalk. It was fun, and for a good cause, so why not?

Here are a bunch of the Tweets I sent out. They are in reverse order, so if you wanna start at the beginning, scroll to the bottom and work your way up.