Below is my note to Sears, where I applied for the position of "Cosmetics - Retail Sales (Beauty Advisor) for Elizabeth Arden." Just try and imagine me in that position for a few seconds without laughing your ass off. - - - - - - - Appearance-wise, I'm really just an average guy, and apart from getting expensive plastic surgery that I can't afford, there's nothing I can do about it.
But my average looks are just one reason why you should hire me. Average is average; average is common, and average will appeal to the highest number of people. Because, let's face it (no pun intended) most people are average looking- that's why it's the average.
Where I'm not average is my salesmanship, energy, enthusiasm, and creativity. If you hire me for this job, not only will I use my extremely good interpersonal skills to the fullest effect, but I will never stop trying to improve and learn. I have a strong desire to amass knowledge and experience, and an ambition to do well at everything I set my mind to- and believe me, I've set my mind to this.
Hire me, and I won't disappoint.
My resume is attached. Please call or e-mail me with any questions (or if you would like to schedule an interview!)
Thanks for reading, Alex - - - - - - - Why do I not have a job again?
Some friends and I run a joke Facebook account called Donald P. GhostMaster. Originally, he was called Donald P. ChodeMaster, but then the account got deleted, so we made a new one with the surname "GhostMaster." Eventually, I'll write a whole post about the history of the original account (it's hilarious) but for the purposes of this piece you don't need to know anything more... other than that we use the GhostMaster account for hilarious trolling, such as below.
The group Donald infiltrated is, as per the title of this post, the McMaster Accepted Class of 2017. This is where new students to the university come and introduce themselves, old ones offer help and guidance, bla bla bla. I did none of that, and instead used Donald's account to wreak some havok.
Hey everyone. Sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything new, but unfortunately I have (somewhat) of a life aside from this blog, and it's taken precedence over the last month. Yes, part 2 of Trolling: UMentioned Mac will be up soon (finally), as well a bunch of other hilarious stuff I'll have the time to write about now that university is winding down.
Here are some assorted trolls, by yours truly, to tide you over until I post about those things aforementioned. They aren't as gut-bustingly hilarious as my usual fare, but that's why they're leftovers. And better than nothing, right? RIGHT?!
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The Yates Cup is some big tournament at McMaster that everyone goes apeshit for. I posted in the Class of 2016 group that I was selling a ticket to it... the day after it happened. This was the result...
Remember Formspring? Also, remember how everyone used to incessantly advertise theirs over Facebook? One of my friends did just that, and I used the opportunity to rant at him and get some irritation off my chest...
Back to McMaster now: someone posted on the Facebook page looking for an easy elective, so I suggested something I thought he might enjoy. Hilarity ensued.
I originally wrote this for a Writer's Craft class exercise. Basically, we had twenty minutes to write a story, and every two minutes or so the teacher would put a word/phrase on the board and we'd have to include it at whatever point we were at (the highlighted sections below represent those words). I think it turned out pretty well, and after a little bit of editing, here it is:
"It was a long, cold, winter's night,
and all through the house not a creature was stirring— not even a
mouse," said the narrator on TV slowly. As he spoke, images of a dark
mansion swooshed on to the screen, followed by shots of small children
sleeping in their beds. Christmas spirit was truly in the air... just like
the smoke from Artie's Grandmother's pipe.
"I never understood why they play this crap," she said, stroking her substantial belly. "I mean, it's impossible
that the human race could have sunk this low. Why, back in my day we
had Christmas turkeys you could buy for a dollar at Gimble's. They
tasted like a fine cognac had been melted
all over the top of them. And that smell! Oh, that smell! Like a
freshly born baby, I tell ya! And what's more, a... h... hugh..."
"Grandma, don't get worked up," said Artie, turning around to see his Grandmother clutching her chest, pipe now the floor.
heart," she spluttered. She reached down to grab her pipe, making an
odd noise like a stalled windmill as she did so, and her false teeth
fell to the floor with a bang.
"Fore da lov of Pete!" she mumbled incoherently, a long thread of drool stretching from her mouth. "Ge' ma teef boay!"
"I'd rather take a bullet right n-"
"JUS' GE' MA TEEF!"
reached down to the floor, and grabbed the wet, gummy teeth. Wincing, he
handed them to his Grandmother, who snatched them out his hand and
hurriedly stuffed them back into her mouth.
"Gosh darn things," she said. "Why, back in my day w-"
She was interrupted by a jittery sound of some sort.
"What in blazes... is that the telephone? Arthur, go get it."
"I don't think that's the telephone, Grandma."
"I know a telephone when I hear one, boy. Go ge-"
the entire left wall of their house was ripped off. An enormous sucking
sound, like a giant plunger, and it was gone. The cold air from outside
funnelled in through the opening, and standing out in the snowy garden
were two small, green aliens. Their heads were the size of grape
tomatoes, while their bodies couldn't have been more than three feet
"We come in peace," they squealed.
Artie stood motionless, mouth ajar.
"Are ya gonna get the phone or not? What's with this silence, Arthur?" Grandma shouted.
Artie pointed at the green aliens, chalk white in the face. Grandma adjusted her glasses slowly and squinted.
"Are those roaches back again? Always been a problem in this house. These look like some biggums too."
reached behind the couch, grabbed a shotgun, and pumped the two aliens
full of lead. It all happened so fast that Artie had no time to react.
He felt like he was going to pass out. It had to be a dream that he
would wake up from any second...
"Little chilly in here, ain't it?" Grandma said, reaching for her pipe which still lay, forgotten by Artie, on the floor.
Sometimes I get asked, "What is your favourite _______?" (Colour, song, sex position, etc.) I decided to write this post as a way to address some variations of that question, and also because I enjoy writing about stuff I love just as much as about stuff I hate (well, okay, ALMOST as much). Keep in mind that these lists are not set in stone. My "favourites" are constantly changing along with my tastes, and I'm always searching for new stuff I think will be awesome. Also, the items in these categories are not ranked, but listed in alphabetical order.
(What follows is a pretty narcissistic post. But yeah, it's my blog, so STFU.)
Brand New - The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me - iTunes Devin Townsend - Ocean Machine: Biomech - iTunes Edge of Sanity - Crimson - iTunes Faith No More - Angel Dust - iTunes Godspeed You! Black Emperor - Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven - iTunes Miles Davis - Kind of Blue - iTunes Mr. Bungle - California - iTunes Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea - iTunes Opeth - Still Life - iTunes Porcupine Tree - Fear of a Blank Planet - iTunes Strapping Young Lad - City - iTunes Ulver - Bergtatt - iTunes
The Boy Next Door by Enid Blyton The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald Lord of the Flies by William Golding Generals Die in Bed by Charles Yale Harrison The Eyes of the Dragon by Stephen King Animal Farm by George Orwell Harry Potter (the whole series) by J.K. Rowling Hamlet by William Shakespeare Honourable Mentions: Artemis Fowl (what I've read of the series) by Eoin Colfer, The Giver by Lois Lowry, To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Drinks Anything Alcoholic Camomile Tea (when I'm sick) Club Soda Dr. Pepper Egg Nog Milk (Chocolate and White, 1%) Orangina Pineapple Juice Water Honourable Mentions: Orange Dreamsicle Shake from Johnny Rockets, Sprite, Tonic Water Foods Big Mac from McDonald's Cashews Cherry Pie Eggs Benedict Flapjacks Green Grapes (Seedless) Imperial Cheese Jujubes Mashed Potatoes Olives (Green & Kalamata especially, but I love all types) The Original Burger from Johnny Rockets Pistachios Pot Roast Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Spinach & Rice Sushi Tacos
Honourable Mentions: Kraft Dinner, Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream (or Frozen Yogurt), Onion Rings, Pasta Salad, Quesadillas
The Adventures of Superman American Idol (guilty pleasure) Arthur BattleBots Dilbert Dragon's Den The Green Hornet Iron Chef America Kitchen Nightmares Man V. Food Robot Wars The Simpsons Spider-Man (1960's animated version) Star Trek (all five series') Survivor The Twilight Zone Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
Honourable Mentions: The Biggest Loser, Deadliest Warrior, Futurama, Hell's Kitchen, Hotel Hell, Jeopardy!, MasterChef, Yu-Gi-Oh!
Burnout Revenge (PS2) Freedom Fighters (PS2) Guitar Hero II (X360) Katamari Damacy (PS2) Half-Life (PC/PS2) Mario Kart: Double Dash (GC) Red Faction (PS2) Rock Band III (X360) SSX Tricky (PS2) Star Trek: Starfleet Command - Volume II: Empires at War (PC) Super Mario 64 (N64) Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (PS3) Team Fortress II (PC) Tony Hawk's Underground (PS2) Tony Hawk's Underground 2 (PS2)
Honourable Mentions: Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction (PS2), The Simpsons: Hit & Run (PS2), 007: Nightfire (PS2)
I don't use Twitter all that often, but when I heard about Bell's "Let's Talk" campaign, I figured I should start, at least for one day. For every tweet/text sent with a #BellLetsTalk hashtag on February 12th, the company donated 5 cents to Mental Health Awareness campaigns. In total they ended up raising around four million dollars, and I am probably responsible for about $3.2 million of that. Okay, not really, but I Tweeted WAY more than I normally do, and hashtagged all of them with #BellLetsTalk. It was fun, and for a good cause, so why not?
Here are a bunch of the Tweets I sent out. They are in reverse order, so if you wanna start at the beginning, scroll to the bottom and work your way up.